We Cannot Let This Man Become the Next Pope

Patriarch Pierbattista Pizzaballa Must Be Stopped. Because of His Name.

While I have not seen the movie Conclave, I am pretty sure that I don’t get to vote for the next pope. Which, as an atheist Jew, seems fair. But if there are any Cardinals reading this Substack column, I beseech you not to vote for front runner Pierbattista Pizzaballa.

There are, admittedly, many reasons to like Pierbattista Pizzaballa, even as an atheist Jew. He taught Hebrew school. In Jerusalem. Although not at a temple, choosing instead to give classes on biblical Hebrew at the Franciscan Faculty of Biblical Science and Archeology. He’s lived in Israel for 35 years and has done impressive work in an impossible job - leading the Catholic Church on Middle East affairs. He got Shimon Peres and Mahmoud Abbas to come to the Vatican for a peace prayer. He’s criticized the current Israeli attacks on Gaza but also offered himself in exchange for Israeli hostages.¹

But here’s the problem. When you become pope you pick your pope name. Which means you give up your own name. And we cannot sacrifice the name “Pierbattista Pizzaballa” any more than we can tear down the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

“Pierbattista Pizzaballa” is perfect. It sounds like an Italian Family Guy character whose name the writers’ room should have spent five more minutes on. It’s like naming an American “Henry Hotdog.”