Responses to Elon Musk's Email Demand

A Column in the "What If..." Style that Readers Love and I Don't. But They're Easy to Write, so Here It Is.

More than one million federal government workers have answered Elon Musk’s demand that they email his DOGE gang five things they accomplished on the job last week. Musk tweeted that “failure to respond will be taken as a resignation.”

These are ten responses I’m pretending federal employees leaked to me.¹

To DOGE,

Thanks to your important work, I was empowered to spend my time this week dismantling the deep state. So far, I’ve:

•Slipped laxative into the taxpayer-funded coffee machine
•As part two of plan, depleted restrooms of all toilet paper
•Dealt with setback after forgetting about the coffee thing and drinking quite a bit of it
•Further setback when deep state refused my request to work from home for the rest of the day
•Rather not talk about the fifth thing, but needless to say, I used a lot of deep state resources on cleaning supplies

Bill Landusky,

Air Traffic Flow Manager, FAA

Elon,

Here’s what I did this week:

•delivered mail

•delivered mail

•delivered mail

•delivered mail

•your mother

Tim, your local mail carrier you’ve never once said “hi” to. Unlike your hot mom. Who I boned.