The Worst App I Ever Downloaded

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I wrote this as an opinion column for the Washington Post a few weeks ago. They did a fine job making it palatable for the Washington Post audience, which is a touchy bunch, easily offended by references to sex, discussion of shoplifting, or its owner capitulating to authoritarian threats against the free press.

Do I still own the rights to this column? If I don’t, will the Washington Post lawyers be permitted to spend money to get behind this paywall to find out? If so, at least I’ll get a column out of it. Until then, here’s the director’s cut of that column.

“I’ve never seen you act like a jerk before,” said my 15-year-old son Laszlo.

I had acted like a jerk. So I want to apologize to the nice woman working at the concession stand at the Intuit Dome, to whom I sarcastically blurted, “This technology is working great! Can I buy some Intuit stock?” before pushing my way through the automatic doors meant to stay closed until the sensor recognized my face.

Also, I should not have stolen those two bottles of water by walking out of that cashier-less store, fully aware that it had not recognized my face. I did have a $10 coupon in  my the My Rewards section of my Intuit Dome app, which the sensors also didn’t detect, but that still leaves me $3 short. I promise to find a way to pay them back.

My misbehavior was due to two weeks of pent-up rage at the Intuit Dome app, the worse app created since iFrenchKiss, which rated your kissing ability based on how you licked the screen, and, I believe, caused monkeypox.