How to Match Food and Wine

It's the Only Thing You Need to Know About Wine (Unless You Want to Be a Pretentious Dick)

Like many people who turn 30, I set a goal for myself. Others choose money or fame, but I considered those unworthy, largely because I already had them. My goal was to become an intolerable old man. 

My first step was to learn about wine and classical music. And 22 years later I have succeeded. Now, in the tradition of intolerable old men, I insist on passing on my unwanted knowledge to everyone. 

While learning grape varieties and regions can be fun – in the sense that staying home on Saturday nights to watch documentaries about Theodore Roosevelt is fun – it is unnecessary. You need to learn grape names to enjoy wine exactly as much as you need to know the name of the cheese in a cannoli to enjoy The Godfather.  

The one thing you do need to know about wine is how to pair it with food. The same way you need to know not to dip a cannoli in ketchup.